One Year

12 months. A year. And how things can change in a heartbeat. We never think it is going to be us, but we just hear about others suffering and think “oh, that’s sad”, and just kind of carry on. I realise we can’t take everything on our shoulders and I’m not saying we should at all, but we don’t know what it is to be “normal” until things shift. It has taken me 12 months to re-establish what it means to be “normal” and the biggest realisation I had is that it is not this blanket term that we think encompasses the majority. Nor is it a template for us to all work around and mould ourselves into. The reality is, this kind of normality does not exist. But what does exist is what exists for us daily, in our personal experience.

I’ve been working on finding my new kind of normal and a way of living that suits me. It’s not always easy and on a rough day, it can be hard not to be angry and draw comparisons to others, but we are all human and just because someone hasn’t got your problem, doesn’t mean they aren’t battling with something else. This perfect societal expectation for us all to be the epitome of good health, have killer figures, porcelain teeth, amazing skin and super-charged careers is not realistic. We should be our best and that differs from person to person. I’m still learning to be accepting of my condition and my limitations, but sometimes the limitations we set are merely set by our minds. I’ve made a point this year to challenge myself and be less wasteful of the time I’m given. I’ve been travelling here and there. I was so afraid of planning a year ago and the idea of booking a trip weeks in advance scared me so much. Who ever said that things couldn’t go wrong if I didn’t have MS? I just took that as a given! Anything can happen to anyone, so I’m taking things as they come and if I’m not well enough to do something that’s ok, but I’m not going to stop in anticipation of me not being ok. I never did before and I’m going to try my best not to now.

Fear can be all-consuming. It can eat into our sleep, our appetite, our health and our minds. Anticipatory fear is even worse and that has been the thing I’ve been coming up against this year. The more fearful I become, the greater the stress I feel, the more likely I am to relapse, so it’s been a lot of mind training this year for me and that’s where all my mindfulness training has come in. Even simple things like drinking a cup of coffee or sitting without the TV on have been moments of taking the time to sit with myself, like I would with a friend and just be. We are turning into human-doings rather than human-beings and I’ve been making a real effort to simply be. That’s something that is going to require a lot of practice but that I’m willing to invest time in, because if I don’t look after myself, how can I be there for anyone else fully, with true loving and compassion?

So, what will be will be and I won't be waiting for the worst, but living for the best. Here's to a year full of joy, success, resilience and self-compassion for one and all.