It's been a few weeks since I've written, but I've been so busy. My cold stuck around for a lot longer than anticipated and I've been away with work. Very very busy few weeks, but hello!
I can't believe we are drawing towards those last few months of the year and to the point where a lot of us start to look back. I was sat talking to a friend about where I was back in January and where I stand right now in my life. It's crazy, the first four months of this year were the darkest and longest I've felt in my life and that's not just because it was wintery and cold. I was at a point of real hopelessness and anyone that knows me will tell you that isn't the kind of person I am. I just felt so alone in it all after diagnosis and as if everything I had ever wanted was so longer possible. I felt so deeply afraid and angry at the world, asking myself how I could have prevented myself from having MS, if I could have done some things differently so I wouldn't have developed it. I wanted answers that no one could give me about when this happened, why hadn't anyone been able to stop it, could I have stopped it, and how long I'd had this monster disease attacking my brain. Even typing this now brings back some of the hurt that I felt and I can't say thinking about it now is completely pain-free.
I was mad at the medical professionals, I was mad at my family and took it out on those close to me, I was mad at anyone that was smiling or laughing or complaining about their pet dog or talking about their new hairstyle or the latest Kardashian gossip. It all just seemed so trivial. I just couldn't believe that the world was still turning while everything around me seemed to be falling apart. For a long while I was heartbroken and I probably put my family and loved ones through hell, acting the way I was with break downs and feeling fragile. My escape was probably my job, where I was being distracted by the people around me, having a focus and when things weren't so good, I was blessed to have my colleagues support me and be there for me. Truth be told, that support has never wavered and I still have them all looking out for me.
Support through it all is probably the thing that gave me a wake up call to be honest. My closest friends rushed to see me the day after I told them and I will never be able to thank them enough for the way they sat with me and let me talk and cry and held me. I'll never forget how my dearest friend came to all the hospital appointments, deciphering all the medical lingo while I was lost in deafening silence trying to swallow it all down. My sisters tolerated me through all the bad moods and lows and did things to make me feel better without my cooperation or expressed gratitude. My mum dealt with it all, not once wavering in taking charge of all the appointments and ferrying me around. I wouldn't have been able to do it all without them.
And then I realised, that life is so precious. You don't know when a calamity will befall you, nor can you always do something to prevent it. Some circumstances are simply unchangeable and you have to accept your lot. This was something that was meant to be for me, but that doesn't mean I have to let it define me. All I needed to do was to refind my sense of balance in life and redefine normal and what that is for me. Instead of mourning my inability to plan too far forward, I have to see it as an opportunity to embrace spontaneity. Instead of worrying about tomorrow or next week or next year, I need to spend time loving today, enjoying every sight and smell. It took me a some time to learn to laugh again, but not a single one of us knows what lies ahead of us. This could have been anyone and though you never think it will ever be you, it's important to realise that there are no special privileges and hardship doesn't discriminate, whether you have all the money or friends or power in the world. Nothing in this life is a given right and the sooner I started learning that, the more I could see the joy and beauty in everything I had and do have. I can never cease to express my gratitude for all the people and experiences I have in my life and trick is to love all of it for every minute you have it for. Don't waste your time thinking about the losses or the misfortunes, use that time to relish all the beautiful things your life has to offer.
Yikes, that was long and I sound like I'm giving a pep talk, but this is genuinely my internal dialogue and what keeps me going .You don't have to have MS for this to mean something, nor do you have to suffered inexplainable horror or loss. The truth is, we all have our scars and pain, it's just different for each of us. But one thing that is the same, is that nothing will stop for anyone and for every minute we are given, we are blessed.
Peace and never let the darkness take over the light.
I can't believe we are drawing towards those last few months of the year and to the point where a lot of us start to look back. I was sat talking to a friend about where I was back in January and where I stand right now in my life. It's crazy, the first four months of this year were the darkest and longest I've felt in my life and that's not just because it was wintery and cold. I was at a point of real hopelessness and anyone that knows me will tell you that isn't the kind of person I am. I just felt so alone in it all after diagnosis and as if everything I had ever wanted was so longer possible. I felt so deeply afraid and angry at the world, asking myself how I could have prevented myself from having MS, if I could have done some things differently so I wouldn't have developed it. I wanted answers that no one could give me about when this happened, why hadn't anyone been able to stop it, could I have stopped it, and how long I'd had this monster disease attacking my brain. Even typing this now brings back some of the hurt that I felt and I can't say thinking about it now is completely pain-free.
I was mad at the medical professionals, I was mad at my family and took it out on those close to me, I was mad at anyone that was smiling or laughing or complaining about their pet dog or talking about their new hairstyle or the latest Kardashian gossip. It all just seemed so trivial. I just couldn't believe that the world was still turning while everything around me seemed to be falling apart. For a long while I was heartbroken and I probably put my family and loved ones through hell, acting the way I was with break downs and feeling fragile. My escape was probably my job, where I was being distracted by the people around me, having a focus and when things weren't so good, I was blessed to have my colleagues support me and be there for me. Truth be told, that support has never wavered and I still have them all looking out for me.
Support through it all is probably the thing that gave me a wake up call to be honest. My closest friends rushed to see me the day after I told them and I will never be able to thank them enough for the way they sat with me and let me talk and cry and held me. I'll never forget how my dearest friend came to all the hospital appointments, deciphering all the medical lingo while I was lost in deafening silence trying to swallow it all down. My sisters tolerated me through all the bad moods and lows and did things to make me feel better without my cooperation or expressed gratitude. My mum dealt with it all, not once wavering in taking charge of all the appointments and ferrying me around. I wouldn't have been able to do it all without them.
And then I realised, that life is so precious. You don't know when a calamity will befall you, nor can you always do something to prevent it. Some circumstances are simply unchangeable and you have to accept your lot. This was something that was meant to be for me, but that doesn't mean I have to let it define me. All I needed to do was to refind my sense of balance in life and redefine normal and what that is for me. Instead of mourning my inability to plan too far forward, I have to see it as an opportunity to embrace spontaneity. Instead of worrying about tomorrow or next week or next year, I need to spend time loving today, enjoying every sight and smell. It took me a some time to learn to laugh again, but not a single one of us knows what lies ahead of us. This could have been anyone and though you never think it will ever be you, it's important to realise that there are no special privileges and hardship doesn't discriminate, whether you have all the money or friends or power in the world. Nothing in this life is a given right and the sooner I started learning that, the more I could see the joy and beauty in everything I had and do have. I can never cease to express my gratitude for all the people and experiences I have in my life and trick is to love all of it for every minute you have it for. Don't waste your time thinking about the losses or the misfortunes, use that time to relish all the beautiful things your life has to offer.
Yikes, that was long and I sound like I'm giving a pep talk, but this is genuinely my internal dialogue and what keeps me going .You don't have to have MS for this to mean something, nor do you have to suffered inexplainable horror or loss. The truth is, we all have our scars and pain, it's just different for each of us. But one thing that is the same, is that nothing will stop for anyone and for every minute we are given, we are blessed.
Peace and never let the darkness take over the light.
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